Photo by Jonathan Sanchez on Unsplash
I’ve imagined God as martyred servant and meager savior; as Black king and dread locked Queen; as radical preacher and reckless leader. I’ve called God he, she and they, but if you ask me who God is, I won’t have an answer.
I know less about God now than I ever have, and I’m thankful for that. I used to ask questions about the Divine hoping that the answers would bring certainty and certainty peace. Instead, every answer led to more questions until I was faced with the realization that the truth will always eclipse my sight.
To know the Divine is to commune with that which is beyond and that which is within. It is to seek understanding but remain open to the question. I’ve only experienced this openness when I’ve been willing to admit that I don’t know the answer. Honestly, I’m not even sure I know the question anymore.
I’ve made a life trying to find the answers that would bring peace when life felt unstable. As a result, I have opinions about nearly everything. Brownies are the best dessert with cinnamon rolls coming in a close second. LeBron James is the GOAT. Jesus wasn’t White and any movie with Jonathan Majors is worth watching. Ask me about God and the most honest answer I can give is I don’t know. I have some guesses, but they’re just that.
I’ve always experienced liberation and love as the truest expressions of the Divine. I don’t believe Jesus was sent to die for the world’s sins. I don’t know if or how prayer works, and I can’t tell you if God has a plan.
What I feel confident of right now is that there is something that is beyond me, yet intimately in relationship with me. That is good enough. There is a way that I experience the beyond-within that is sometimes awe-inspiring and sweet, and other times it’s quiet and magnificent. I don’t need to know the how or why of it all, I just need to trust that it is.
I also think that sometimes we hide behind the idea of God, so we don’t have to think or feel for ourselves. Instead of doing the terrifying work of knowing ourselves so that we might love ourselves; we engage in an endless pursuit of the Divine. All the while hoping that the highs, we experience will be enough to keep us afloat. Maybe, just maybe, we find the truest things about God by diving within; facing our shadows and loving all that makes us imperfect. Maybe embracing that which is beyond us means we must embrace that which is within.
Maybe that is just my truth. I can’t say for sure, and I don’t care to. I just need to admit that I don’t know anymore. There is a perception that faith leaders and influencers should have answers to our most pressing questions, but I reject that. The most impactful leaders in my life have been those that have been able to sit with me in the question. In writing this post, I’m not saying our questions aren’t important. I’m not even saying we never need answers. I’m simply saying I’ve found a freedom and beauty in admitting that I don’t know.
My friend, whatever questions you’re asking and however you imagine God, I hope you have the freedom you need to find and love yourself deeply.
I have gotten in the more trouble in life, by acting "as if". It's a conditioned thing in our modern world. Better to just let go. God= 'is'. It just is. It's out there, in trees, water and your dog. Probably it's simply the highest manifestation of our selves. So raising my glass of kombucha to "I don't know".
Thank you.
This!!! So good!
It is my belief that we don't get to define him - we experience him!
God never wants to be defined by those he gave definition to. Definition belongs to him - experience belongs to us! We can't adequately define a presence magnificent - our finite minds can't truly even begin to comprehend.